I am 26 years old and I am very unhappy. I feel like I don’t know up from down. I don’t have the life that I want and all I really want is to be more confident and live without pain.
My body aches and I am forever tired. I am moody and impatient. My sinuses make my head and face feel like painful lead weights that are about to explode and that’s every single day of my life. My back aches from god knows what because I never lift a thing and when I did work with my back it was the same. I am hard of hearing. I have almost no confidence in social settings and I am lonely. When I go out, I am speechless. Those that try to engage me are met with a smile and blank eyes for I have no idea what they are talking about even when my deaf ears manage to hear them, but I try to convey that I have no malice against them with a smile. As one can guess it doesn’t make for an enlightening conversation.
The only time when I am not awkward and anxious is when I’m so high on pills and alcohol that I can’t even remember what happened. I know that there is a great person within. I know it intuitively, but there is evidence as well. When I wake from the nights of partying that I can’t remember I have knew friends. Mostly women who want to go out with me but it’s always the same result. They think that I’m not having a good time if we go out or they think I’m immature along with what ever else I don’t know because I’m not a mind reader. I can only guess that the key to my social success lies buried beneath immense layers of inhibition.
Why am I this way? I could blame it on my parents but all that’s in the past. The present is in my hands and I have to deal with the scars alone.
I carry a lot of guilt. I have unwillingly committed many offenses to my friends, family and most painfully against my first love. I hardly remember what I’ve done or why because of my poor memory and a scattered brain, but I do remember what I did to my first love. I was cold to her. I never talked to her about us without anger. When she was upset and needed me the most I would abandon her to herself. One time in particular plays over and over in my head every day. She was emotional again and I was leaving again. We lived together. This time she begged me not to go. She really, really needed me and I left anyway. The vision of her tear-filled face is burned in my memory as I closed the door on her and in the end, us. I pushed her away and when she left I just wanted to die.
Just so the reader doesn’t think that I only want a pity party, I’ll balance it out with some positive things. Since I’ve had my heart broken I’ve been forced to get to know myself. Were I previously had almost no contact with self, I now am set on the daily growth of mind and body and getting to know who I am. I have taken great leaps in career, self-esteem and relationships. Even though I am not yet happy I feel that my dedication and tenacity will pay off in the future.
I frequently offend people. I hurt my girlfriends. My father is ashamed of me. I am lazy, drink too much, have no self-esteem and I can’t dance. Should I do society a favor and go live alone in the mountains?
Sally Smith answers:
There is hope for everyone. There is a time in all people’s lives when they feel they are at their lowest. However, those who chose to try and get back on top always come back stronger.
My advice to you would be to stop drinking and taking pills! Not only are they a mere temporary solution to a long term problem, but they are doing more harm than good to your confused brain.
Firstly, I would go and see a counselor to get help with this and to get your emotions in order. This is very important for your mental well being.
Also, I would consult a doctor for your pain, as there will be somthing that can safely help alleviate it.
You say you are hard of hearing. I suggest you join a sign language class! Not only will this give you a new way to communicate,but it will help you make new friends and meet new people. Once you have conquered your fears in the sign language class, join a dance class! Even if you feel a fool, you will have a laugh, and also get excercise.
You say you hurt people, so I suggest allow them to come to you, in these classes and in daily life. Make friends gradually, and once you learn how to keep them, then maybe you could search for an understanding girlfriend, however, I would suggest that untill you have all the above sorted out, I would steer clear of girlfriends for the time being.
Don’t worry about what your family think of you too much, because now that you are older, you can choose your own family, and learn to value and respect them.
Remember, society is made up of many people just like you, and is not some sort of outside club, judging you and not letting you in. Stay strong, and stay clean!
I cry at the drop of a pin? Why?
For the past few months right before my period I have become so emotional. I ended up crying this morning for no reason at all! Its so intense and frustrating. I feel so out of whack. I know PMS is normal but would going on the pill help balance out my emotional craziness?
Sally Smith answers:
I had the same ‘issue’ and nothing worked for me but deep breathing exercises when the urge comes on.
However, every woman is different, so a pill may help to balance you out.
Best to ask your doc…
Should I keep up writing/drawing?
Poems Ive written in the past week:
I’ll cry my eyes out and dance in the rain,
Just to make myself numb from the pain,
Caused by your cry, echoing so loud and broken,
Passing slowly, skin growing cold, leaving me alone,
Wishing nothing but to have you in my arms to hold,
Your young soul already torn, battered and sold,
How can I even begin to make up for my horrid sins,
All I wish to do is have your loving forgiveness,
i’ve waited so patiently for a day I could say,
‘Good morning baby, have a nice day,’
Gomen’nasai (I’m sorry):
I can see you leaning, needing to fall,
How could you trust me, I hurt you after all,
I’ve lied, and cheated, leaving you broken and beat,
But your love for me, is something I couldn’t see,
I’ll beg for your forgiveness, its something I need,
Your smile’s so breath taking, kisses so sweet,
Silence amazed me, it said everything by saying nothing,
The world was so unbelievable, through your innocent eyes,
Its been nine months full of trouble and my own lies,
Dropping to my knees, holding you in my arms for the very first time,
All the doctors tried so hard to save you, so patient and kind,
Your life was cut so short, my actions causing it to be so,
A road I chose for you, I caused you to have to go,
I’ll spend each year from now to the end,
Grieving the loss of you, my dear friend,
My little bundle of joy,
A bouncing baby boy.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray tonight to rest in peace,
A bloodied eve of christmas,
The house a totaled mess,
Now you lie there,
Tangled bloody hair,
Rose peddles coated our bed,
What was going on in your head?
You promised me a day to remember,
A day to stick with forever and ever,
Now she lays with you on our floor,
Did you really love her so much more,
Were you truly that much of a man,
That you had to go crush my heart in your hand,
Jolly Old Saint Nicholas sent you his misses,
So you could have your holly jolly christmas,
Over the river, to our comfy cabin,
You said it was her seductive grin,
As I walked down the stairs shaking in anger,
‘I… I loved you! How could you! Traitor… Traitor!’
My voice echoed through the house one last time,
A gun shot followed, ending in a bloodied silent night.
She’s been lied to, and abused,
Sold out, and sexually used,
hurt and in too much pain,
her heads held up just the same,
She smiles and laughs,
inside she wants to crash,
Her emotional balance astray,
But her heads held up just the same,
Her bodies broken,
Her mind giving in,
Optimism, beauty; live eat pray,
Her heads held up just the same,
I’m seeing a change,
She’s breaking her cage,
She’s smiling the usual way,
And her heads held up the same,
She’s been hurt one too many times,
Deciding people need to pay for they’re crimes,
She couldn’t hope for better days,
Because her heads held up the right way.
How can i do this?
My mind says yes; my heart says no,
Our very first kiss,
My Heart wants to stay; my mind to go.
Broken hearts cant take it,
Young minds giving in,
Anxious bodies a nervous fit,
Souls so full of sin.
A common bond,
Our lives bound,
By pain so fond,
Bodies not found.
Our bodies still,
Forever and ever,
Under the ole mill.
How’d we do this?
Bodies falling ill,
No one knows what it is,
Good news; were together,
You with your bullet; me with my pill,
Promise; forever and ever,
All because we both fell ill
Drawings from the last month:
Btw. I’m fourteen and have never taken an art class ^^
Sally Smith answers:
Yes , you can keep writing and drawing, for writing, you can explore all types of methods in poems, as well as stories.
If you have thoughts you want to express, then the page is your stage to do so.
For artwork, you may want to start using sketch pads, and eventually other pencils, 2B, 4B, for shades etc.
The time for you to draw or write is up to you, whenever you have an idea, jot down notes, and draw or write them later when able, have fun!